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Sunday, 22 March 2009

  • ::Okay, here is my official update for all of you who stay up-to-date with what God is doing in my life::

    What I've been up to:
    Since the last time that I gave you all an update, I have been incredibly busy with all sorts of things.
    I have the incredible opportunity of helping things get going for the next Discipleship Training School that we will be having in July. Since it's a bilingual DTS, I get to be in charge of all of the English-speaking applicants and Val is in charge of all of those who speak Spanish. I get to answer emails and pray over them regularly and help process things in that general area. I've finished up updating all of our applications and letters of information and flyers, etc., and I have also been working on anything computer: updating and rearranging our base website, learning how to troubleshoot, learning how to do admin for all of our emails, yadda yadda yadda.
    So then, just when I thought I was getting the hang of balancing my life in that way, we start receiving short-term teams. That usually means spending time with them, and I really like that part. For one of the last teams, though, it meant translating for 7 or 8 hours a day so that they could meet the health-care needs of this community. I think my spanish has bettered significantly, though, since the last time they were here last year. It got really tiring because of how much thinking and speaking in two languages requires of you. Then, while a team from the Naval Academy was here, I got to hang out with them a lot and even went running with them a few of the mornings (God, bless their poor souls). But now, they're all gone and we won't have any more teams for a few weeks yet. It's WAY too quiet around here. Weird.

    Hmmm. What God Is Trying To Teach Me?
    I would have to say that I have been learning a lot of different things.

    First of all, I've learned that good communication and clarity will get you far. "If you try to sugarcoat a 'no' when talking to most guys, they won't take you seriously because they will feel like you are sending mixed messages." One of the guys from the Naval Academy told me that. I think it was Brian. I need to be intentional in how I am communicating, especially with the opposite gender. I have an obligation to every person that I meet, guy or girl, that they will walk away from me knowing Jesus just a little bit more. I have to be purposeful in my relationships and be genuine, but I have to make sure that my 'self' doesn't get in the way. God could do so much more if I would just get out of the way sometimes.

    Second of all, humility. I know, I know, people learn about this all of the time and you hear about it and then a few months later that same person is learning about the same things all over again. Heck, it could be something that God is working on in you right now. BUT, you will like this part. I even have another quote for you:
    "Knowing your identity in Christ is realizing that you have nothing to prove to any human being and that you have absolutely nothing to prove to God. You have to stop trying so hard to be something and just be you with a whole lot of grace." Okay, to be honest, I heard that idea from Kevin, but he didn't say it quite like that--maybe I should take the quotation marks off. But the point still remains; it's such a beautiful thing to stop trying and striving, to accept who you are and let God work on making you what you are not. The willingness to let Him work on that though, is usually the hard part for us. It means admitting to ourselves that we aren't all that we are cracked up to be, nor all that we want to be. I have such high standards for me and these expectations that I put on myself, but in all honesty, they're pretty impossible to reach without the grace of God. I literally am nothing without the love of Jesus Christ and His working in my life. He knows my ability, He knows my potential and is the only one that can make me 'me'. I can't even make me the 'me' that I need to be. Praise God.


    Thirdly....
    ... that I run out of time way too quickly and then never get back to doing things. Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna NOT do what I normally do. I'm not going to wait to post this until I decide that it's good enough. Even though I want to share more, I'll just let y'all read what I got and then write some more later. That'll save you some time today anyway. And, for your reading pleasure, I'll have more where that came from. I'll be kind of like bite-size wheaties or fun-size candy bars. Oooh, that makes me what a 3-Muskuteer real bad.

    ...

Friday, 20 February 2009

  • It's been a while...

    God is working on my character.
    I guess He always is, but lately it feels like it. In a good way.

    I am doing really well, overall. I can't say that I'm incredible, but on a 1-10, I would say a 7 1/2. I'm learning a lot and growing and being challenged, and that's truly what I want my life to be like. I long to be closer to God, but that's probably not going to go away.
    What I'm learning:
    You know those times when someone is trying to convince you to do something but you don't really feel like doing? You know that you could give in, but that it will take more time or more effort or whatnot, so you make that 'I dunno...' face and contemplate the cost in your head. We all have those faces that go along with this kind of thinking because it can't only be done inside of your head--it's just that important that it needs to be expressed: A squinted eye and mouth, weighing the air around you with both of your hands like a scale, bobbling your head back and forth, maybe a little humming, perhaps some mild whining. Even sighs tend to come out. You know that you will probably end up saying yes, but the dragging of your emotional feet slows the communication of your mouth and mind.

    That's how I feel. I feel like I'm learning more and more about living a life of faith--walking by it instead of by what I see around me. It's harder than it looks to be honest. In America, you have to make a blatent effort in order to put yourself in that kind of a posistion, but here, I feel like every day is a walk of faith: staying committed to doing my part, remembering what God has for me and not trying to do things my way, trusting that He's going to give me what I need when I need it--the list goes on.

    Never in my life have I felt like God was asking so much of me on a consistent basis.
    Yesterday, while I was praying, the words "No reservations" kept coming through my mind. I think we all live our lives holding back just a little bit because we don't want to give too much or love too much or think too hard or get too close or invest too much. I think we're just scared that it's all going to be in vain because everything we know falls apart eventually. Relationships. Plans for school. Families. Heck, even the stock market. We are scared that if we give everything, we could loose everything.

    And it's true.

    We could.

    But that's what makes me shiver when I think about Jesus. When He asks for us to love Him, He bolds-italics-underlines that He doesn't want us to hold anything back. He wants us to give everything. When we love Him with most of our love, we only get back a portion of what we could've. But we didn't give all that we had because of the risk. We kept a reserve out of fear. But that's such a worldly way to live. Imagine those people who won big in the lottery. Everyone knows that you aren't supposed to bet everything you have because then, when you loose, you can't try again. And then there's those slot machines that give you 3 options: If you deposit one coin and you could win $1,000. If you deposit 2 coins, you could win $5,000. And, if you are REALLY risky, you could deposit 3 coins and win $10,000. But no one acutally goes for the $10,000 jackpot because who wants to loose 3 coins at a time when you could do pull the same lever for only 1 measly coin?
    But what do you think goes through a person's mind when those things all line up and they actually win something? They plunked in their 2 coins and vip-vip-vip, they win the $5,000! Whoot! But then, after they spend all of their money, they are often plagued with the thought of why they didn't think to put 3 coins in that time. If they had just taken that chance, they could have won twice as much, but they didn't want to take the risk. "If only..."

    When we play our cards--our love, our talents, our strengths--and give every last bit of what we have for Jesus, we're actually investing. When we let Him into every single area of our life and break out that reserve and hand that over too, beautiful things happen. I hear people complain when they feel like God is asking for more and more from them, but I think it's because we think life will be better if we hold off on giving Him our reserves.
    But what if when those moments in life came where it felt like we were giving up everything (our plans, our dreams, our money, our last bit of strength) we made a choice--a deliberate choice--to give even more, to give absolutely every last drop until we literally collapse? What would happen if we truly spent ourselves on His behalf? I don't mean to go out preaching fire and brimstone till you drop, or dig through your couch to find coins for the offering plate. I'm talking about your heart. What if you offered every last drop of your everything on the alter of your life? What if you really were a living sacrifice like Paul talked about? We go about living one-tenth of the life that we were meant to live because we are daily making the choice to give God only nine-tenths of our hearts. We find ourselves without. I think it's because we haven't emptied all of what we got. If we really want 'life to the full,' like John talked about, we have to be willing to make room for it in our lives by giving away everything that started out there in the first place.

    Sometimes we have to give up everything to find our Everything. 

    Don't hold back, guys. No reservations.

Monday, 09 February 2009

  • I think one of the hardest things about being a missionary is that Satan is very bent on NOT leaving you alone. He wants you out of work, off the front-lines, away from where you are desperately needed.


    So he hits you and hits you hard.


    Then you have to learn to fight back and get stronger. You realize your weak areas and the areas that he is targeting and grow in them. You rip out his flaming arrows, get healing, and press on.


    When he realizes that his attacks there aren't working, he moves on...




    to attacking the people you love.






    It's a little harder to fight for them, especially when it feels like they aren't fighting for themselves.










    Please pray for me as I work physically where my feet are and fight spiritually where my heart is.
    Thanks.
     

Wednesday, 04 February 2009

  • Okay, I'm back and Here's How I'm Doing:

    First of all, I want to say that I have been to 7 countries in 7 months (July to January) and am so proud when I look at my passport:

    China, Canada, United States, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Spain and a country in Africa. Whoot!

    Africa was really good. I have lots of in-person stories, but not on-internet ones, so when you see me next, don't forget to ask about them. I wasn't sick at all while I was there, didn't learn much of the language at all, and didn't get to ride my camel, but I did frequently eat them (*tear*). I got to work alongside of the greatest girls in the world and learn a lot about the people and culture. And after being there for almost a month, we flew out.
    Interesting facts:
    They use squatties like in China.
    It was FREEZING cold there the whole time (it's winter, what more could you expect?).
    It's not all dunes like in the movies--they're there, but it's not all like that.

    So we flew in from Africa and were in Spain for 2 days before getting back. I had never been to Europe before, so Spain was really great. We got to walk around in the freezing cold. and it felt like being in the States with all of the cars and buildings and stores. I was in EUROPE. So then we made our way back to the DR for 9 1/2 hours in an airplane. During the flight, a few of us were experimenting with the henna that we had purchased because it would be dry by the time we got to Santo Domingo. And it was, and my hands look really cool.

    Prep and Graduation
    I have to say that I've really grown in my desire to intercede. I've started to realize the value of asking God and being able to pray specifically for people and know that they are being invested in. When we got back, the debriefing and re-entry training classes started up as preparation for graduation. To be honest, I wasn't really paying attention to the lessons, but I just spent the whole time going face by face and silently praying for protection for that person, that they could learn everything that they needed to this week, that their path at home would be prepared for them. SO GOOD! I guess what got me started in this passion for interceding was Omayra. In Spain, we spent one evening talking to the youth leaders of the church and hearing about how they doing things and then Omayra was talking about how things are run with Kings Kids (the youth-focused ministry in YWAM). She was saying that the strategy that they use is always consistent: B-O-A: Biblia (Bible) Orracion (Prayer) and Ayuno (Fasting). Those three things are the basis and starting point of everything that is done in King's Kids, which would explain how that ministry is so incredibly powerful. And I really had to stop and think: Are those three things vital parts of my life? I could use a little more memorized verses and spend a little more time pouring over the word. As for intercession, I feel like I'm constantly praying, but I want to start taking long periods of time just to ask God what's on His heart and how I can want what He wants in the lives of others. Then there's fasting. I can't even begin to start on that one. Being in Teen Mania, I learned the incredible value of self-discipline whether it's choosing to do something or choosing to not do something. And I can't say that I've really been doing that a lot here. I find myself lacking in the self-control area and want to get back into the swing of things, letting that all start with earnestly seeking God through fasting.

    And so graduation from Discipleship Training School (DTS) ended with a bang yesterday afternoon and all of the Dominicans left with their families (except Jeremy and Noemi, but she isn't a student). It's so weird to only have a few people here. All of these students were very close to my heart and I only cried once when they were all leaving, but they taught me so much while they were here. Now? It's just so quiet! I've been spending my time looking at pics and sharing with the few students that are left that fly out tomorrow.

    What I'm learning
    I'm learning that I'm really anxious when it comes to singing for people. I mean, I 've sang since I was little and I sang with good ol' Mr. Gingerich for 4 years and learned a lot from him, and I love worshiping and turning the volume up and belting it out in my car, but a year ago, I would cringe if I was ever offered the microphone. But, against all loyalties to my self-protection, I promised myself that I would help with worship here at YWAM, but ONLY if they asked. Well, they asked. And little by little, month by month, I felt less nervous about singing. But then, for this DTS, I was singing more. I would spend evenings just singing worship songs or practicing for worship in the morning and really loved it. I even got to sing at a fundraising-concert in November. That was crazy. The other day, Sara was helping lead worship, but her voice gave out, so I went up and helped like it was no big deal. I've also been working with Jeremy who writes music and plays guitar beautifully. Yesterday afternoon, we spent a couple of hours playing around with sounds and words and God started pouring words through him that all worked together beautifully. I've always appreciated music, but I've never actually watched a song be written. It was SO neat! Then came the hard part: he strummed out the melody once or twice and then said, "Okay, sing it." I looked at him like he was crazy and told him that I didn't know what I was supposed to sing, that he is the artist and that I didn't know the song. Then he told me to just sing whatever came out, whatever I felt it needed. Now if you have ever been in that position, where someone is expecting you to be creative, you know what I mean. It could be with drawing or dancing or decorating or even dressing up. It's like someone asking you to paint a picture, but the canvas is on the other side of this brick wall that you were never taught to scale. You don't feel like you have the slightest idea of where to start or how to go about it, and hesitate until you just start with foolish-looking attempts. After a couple of tries, you want to give up because it just feels so awkward, but for me, it was at this moment that I learned the beauty of perseverance. To just let go and say, "I WILL be creative and it's going to be okay. I can do this and it's going to turn out just fine"--I think that's how creative people started out, but it was just at a younger age, when fear didn't matter. I felt that with each attempt to sing the songs, part of that brick wall started to crumble and fall and that it was okay to just sing. It was really cool because there was this freedom that I had never felt in worshiping, to not worry about what people thought or fearing failure, but to just let it all go. So, thank you Jeremy for helping me understand how to use my gift.

    Okay, I always feel bad writing this ridiculously long notes, so I'm going to cut it off here. I'll probably write more in a few days because I really don't like the idea of overwhelming people. But, once again, to the faithful readers or bored friends, Thank You for taking time to hear my heart.

    The ladies that I got to go to Africa with.
    I didn't get to ride a camel while I was there. I'm not bitter...

Sunday, 28 December 2008

  • (Big sigh. Rubs hands together and tilts her head, wondering just exactly how she's going to get all of this out in only a few hours. Somehow, someway. God, please send your grace. Things get quiet and the typing starts...)

    My heart is seriously full of things. My stomach hurts from life. I think there is so much to write that no one will really want to read the whole things. So, I'll just write it all out into different categories and then go back and give you a heading right here so that you can go to which ever subject you want to go to.

    -Logistics and Being Around In DR
    -Being in Haiti 
    -My Responsibility
    -My Health
    -Lil' Pink iPod
    -My Christmas Present
    -What God Is Teaching Me
    -My First Christmas Away From Home
    -Snow
    -Haitians
    -Hearing the News about Ross and Monikah

    Wow. I just got back from Haiti about 13 hours ago. We left from Gonaive and made it into Jarabacoa around 1 or 2 in the morning today. I had an incredible time there. I didn't think I was going to love it, but I did. But to go back even farther, to the last time I was on the computer, I'll have to go back to the end of November. Sheesh. So, we left to do ministry in Azua which is on the south side of the country. I had been there before, so I knew what to expect. We got to stay with Raul and Zanza and did ministry on the streets and work with the people at the church. They have an amazing family within the church--we actually just partner besides the church when we're there so that when we leave, the church can follow up with the people and make sure that they are continuing to grow in the Lord. SO great. Sadly, we had this mad-crazy outbreak of people getting sick during that time. We had 2 get sick with vomiting, 3 get bad diarrhea and then 4 of us get colds with coughing and congestion, etc. We also had a few migraines and some feminine problems, too. It wasn't the conditions that we were living in. I think it was part spiritual warefare, but also because we were all living so close together--it all just spread like a wildfire. So we left after a week there to do ministry in a town called Neyba. It was super hot there, but they had natural springs there that we ended up going to. The one we went to was called Las Marias and it was FREEZING! It's pretty rare that I'm that cold in this country, but when I jumped it--yep, that's the word I would use. We ended up taking one of the guys from Azua with us--Eliezer. He wants to do a DTS and so we had him come with us to get a taste of life on outreach. It was kind of nice to have another person--to mix up the 21 of us with someone different. Not that we were sick of each other by that time, but I'm just saying. So then, after about a week, we left for Neyba, almost half of us had colds/coughs. I would say probably around 8 or 10 of us. Then about 5 or 6 with diarrhea. Then, 3 or 4 others that just weren't doing well. It was ridiculous, I tell you. I seriously think our first-aid box is now empty. lol. So then, we head off to Haiti.

    Haiti. As soon as we crossed the border, the cars changed and all we saw were pick-ups with raised canopies that were painted with the most ridiculous colors. Haitians love colors. And, all of the women walking around were carrying their baskets on their heads like it was no big deal. THAT was really cool. The skin color changed from Milano (like a Halfrican-American) to black-black, the language switched from Spanish to French Creole, and the money switched from Pesos to Gourdes. All 20 of us piled into a big bus and off we went, but we didn't get very far because it broke down 3 times before we got to the St. Marc base. The 3 hour trip turned into a 10-hour trip. Lol. AND, and break-down #3, we stopped and and I tried my first stick of sugar cane. Mmmmmmmm. After, we headed up to a different town in a tap-tap. It's a truck where your backside is in the air more that it's on the seat because the roads are so bad in Haiti. An adventure, really. We were going to Gonaives, where the flooding was worse--12 feet of water in some areas--and that's where we had been staying for the past 2 weeks. I must say, the guys in that town were very aggressive. All of our translators were guys, but they all doubled as body-guards as they helped us understand the Creole. I'm not gonna lie, it was a little nerve-racking at times, but totally worth it. I loved talking to people and telling them about Jesus. We also did a lot of physical ministry. Hard as it was to imagine, that town had been under all that water, but even though the water was gone, it had left 2 and 3 feet of mud everywhere--in every road, backyard, house and school. Most of the streets were cleared of it by now, but some had piles and piles of mud that people had taken out of their homes. We had the opportunity to help about 6 or 7 different families get rid of the mud. We used buckets and wheelbarrows and picks and shovels and our bare hands and lots and lots of prayer. My favorite part of it, though, was that we 'blancs' (white people) attracted a lot of attention and so we had so many people come to see what we were doing. That's when I got to practice my creole and ask them about their lives and tell them about why we were there and why were doing what we were doing. SO fun!

    Each member of the team had a job during outreach. I was in charge of having to do finances. Ugh. It made me so crazy because I feel this compulsion (and rightly so) to have to be organized, especially in that area. But with 3 different kinds of money, big projects, stores that don't give receipts, 21 hungry people and so little time, I was getting so overwhelmed. It actually brought me a pretty good amount of stress. 

    I think every cut on my foot is somewhere in the realm of infected. Because of the flooding, there is so many sicknesses and diseases and we had our hands in the 2 and 3 feet of mud all day anyway. Now that I'm back in Jarabacoa, they should have time to heal, but they just kept getting worse there and the band-aids just kept falling off. No one really got sick-sick there and they diarrhea and vomiting went away. There was one day when I got a fever, but that was no big deal. PRAISE GOD!!

    Sad news. I no longer have my pink iPod Shuffle. I had it in the pocket of my corduroys and I washed them to get the mud out. When I was rinsing them, that's when I realized that my Lil' Pink was there. I was so sad. Jedoni told me that he wanted it, but I was too sad. I tried holding onto hope. I let it dry and kept trying it a million times for the followign three days. But nothing. Sigh. So I gave it to Jedoni.

    My Christmas present. Oh, my beloved Christmas present. So my Mam handed me a wrapped up present before I left and told me that I couldn't open it until Christmas. So I didn't. I put it in my closet and have stared at it for the past 5 months, with its sparkly wrapping paper and beautiful ribbon. So, come Christmas Eve, I finally get to open it! Guess what it was:::::A 4G MP3 player. I almost fell on the floor. I ran down looking for Kirsten and ended up running down the streets of Haiti at 10pm at night all alone with an MP3 player in my hand because me and the Haitians had been praying about me getting enough money when I got back to the states to buy a new one, but everyone went to get snacks. I was so excited! PRAISE GOD!! Oh, then, later, I found out that Jedoni had gotten my Lil' Pink to work, but that he told me I had my new one and that he wasn't going to give it back. lol.

    So on the way back towards the good ole' DR, I got to talk to Terry and he let me know that our trip for Africa is going to cost more than what they had anticipated. One thing that God is teaching me about is money. I've been reading in Exodus 7+ about the Israelites and leaving Egypt. Apparently God didn't just send random things to harass Pharaoh so that he would let them go. They were specific. God deliberately proved His greatness and omnipotence in each of the plagues and the worthlessness and impotence of the Egyptian gods to both the Egyptians and Israelite. The first plague was the one with the Nile and it turning into blood. To the Egyptians, the Nile is what brought them life. The Nile River was one of their national gods that they worshiped. I don't think they actually got down on their knees and worshiped it or considered it holy or wrote songs about it per say. But, they did depend on it for life. They needed it to drink, to give to their animals, to grow their food, to bathe and cook and wash and cool down. Without it, I'm sure that they felt like they were going to die. Back then, they didn't have stores with gallons of purified water. The river is what they lived off of. And God knew that. He knew that they needed water and I don't think He took it away because they were using it or depending on it. I think He took it away so that they understood who they live for and so that they didn't get caught up on what they were using. They weren't supposed to be serving water, but using water to serve Him. The water was just supposed to be a THING, not an entity worthy of extra attention, or much less worship. I was thinking about the national panic that must have gone through that dessert when they realized that their main resource had just been completely extinguished by the mercy of the Maker of Water. Pandemonium if you ask me. National chaos of people hoarding the water that they had only to realize that it had turned to blood, too. People that lived near wells were probably selling the water and people probably got really selfish instead of stopping and asking why God had that happen in the first place. Honestly, I think that that's what God is trying to teach me. Well, maybe me and all of America, too. He takes away something really really big to us--something that we allow ourselves to depend on and that we let our lives consist of and what we use as a determination of how life is for ourselves. What ever happened to trusting Him with every area of our lives? As it so happens, I'm learning that whether there is money flowing in my bank (jajajaj, so phunny!) or not, my eyes need to never get stuck on the river.  I NEED to keep my eyes on Him, including when I'm using that money or waiting until the flow increases. Once again: why are we more trusting when our bank accounts are full? Do we honestly trust a full bank account more than we trust God?

    I didn't get to be home for Christmas. Instead, we got to be with orphans and be able to love them and let them know how incredible valuable they are in the eyes of God. We played games with them and sang with them and danced with them. We fed them a wonderful dinner and gave them toys. I was so happy because I didn't cry at all. I didn't even get emotional. Well, until the ride back to the DR, that is. I have to be honest: I got really sad on the way home. It was a mix of the stress and frustrations and hurt, but I broke down into tears around Azua and didn't stop until Santo Domingo. I just wanted to get home after being gone like that. Then came the news that we as people going to Africa are going to need more money. Then they were saying that I might not even be able to go back to Jarabacoa, but that I would need to stay in the Capital. At that point, I couldn't handle it. As we passed by all of the Christmas lights, I just wanted to be home and be with my family. I cried and cried and cried. I'm better now, but I'm understanding how good God is in getting us what we need--I had my blankies and gingerbread cookies and lights when we got back to the base. And I got to talk to my Dad on the phone.

    And there is snow is Oregon. That is ridiculous! I guess it is raining here, so I should feel better. It was hot and sunny and dusty in Haiti, probably in the high 80's/low 90's. Here it's cooler and raining, probably running in the mid 60's. And Oregon gets stinking 18 inches of snow. All I wanted to do on Christmas day was make a snowman. And people in Canby are tired of snow. Ingrates, I tell you.

    I miss Haitians. And creole. I picked a little bit of it up and now I keep trying to speak it in the midst of Spanish AND English sentences. I'll see Haitians in this country, remember the disgust that most Dominicans feel towards them and they want to go hug them and talk to them in creole. Mwen pa kone.

    Ross and Monikah. Wow. I don't think I've ever had a Panic Attantrum before, but I had one today. And I'm good now, but I was shocked. Really shocked. I guess it was a mix of everything, but I got on the computer today to check things and Ross sent me a video. So I watched it. I always kind of roll my eyes when people talk about panick attacks or hyperventilatings. "Weaklings" I say to myself. But TODAY, I had one. I pushed play. Then: It all started with a huge gasp, a really big breath in. Then it didn't come out. David heard me from the other office and asked if everything was okay. I managed a 'ya' and finished watching. I'm not exactly sure what I was going through my mind, but I didn't know what to do. I thought maybe I had heard wrong or that this was another 'we lost your Bible, Cass' thing, but they looked too happy to be lying. I kind of slid out of my swivel chair at that point and laid on the floor in disbelief. Then I threw a tantrum. I find that I do that when I get really unhappy at God for things. I find that it helps to get things out. Anyway, I let my arms fight the air and my feet stamp, frustrated as to why exactly have to be here in the DR while things like this happen in the lives of my friends. Why can't I be home for this? Why can't I be home for Becky's wedding prep? Or Laurens? So help me if Christi gets engaged while I'm here....okay, where was I? Oh yes, the floor. I just keep shaking my head in disbelief and play the movie again, only to pause it half-way though. I just kept thinking, "Wait, what?? Wait..........WHAT????" over and over and over again. My heart was beating so fast, but I didn't want to breath each of them through or I knew that I might go unconscious there on that tile floor. And that might get cold with all of this rain and cold weather. So I get up and try to figure out what to do. I want to go running or something, but the gates are locked and it's still pouring down rain. So I pace. Back and forth, back and forth in the comedor, just trying to figure out whether I was angry or excited or hurt or jealous or sad or confused or not okay with it or happy for them. I really wasn't sure to be honest. I just knew that my body had to do something because my mind didn't know what to do. So I just kept pacing. Then I paced some more. And then I started to cry. The tears just came. I think at that point I felt confused for not knowing until now, and frustrated with God that I have to be here. So I just kept crying. Then I was shaking. Really truly. I didn't think I would do that, but my hands and heart were just quivering. I have never felt so light headed and ready to fall over in my life. Well, except for that one time I went to give blood. Then I got cold. So I laid down on the Shipley's futon that they left in the comedor and I just laid there with my knees curled up to my chin in disbelief, trying to figure out what was going on. I've realized that I always pull my knees to my chin when I'm not doing good. Then poor Jeremy walks in and asks me what I'm doing curled up on the couch like that. Then he asks me if I'm okay when he sees that I had been crying. I haven't been talking this whole time, just talking to myself in my head, but when I opened my mouth to tell him, nothing that came out made any sense. Poor Jeremy was struggling to understand my English, but then I remembered that I should probably talk Spanish but that made it worse. Then Kirsten walked in and when she realized that I was crying and that I was having trouble communicating and breathing at the same time, she got worried and asked what was wrong. So I garbled out the situation and she was shocked, too, but she didn't have a tantrum like I did. She hears a lot about my friends, so even if she doesn't know them, she knows them. They get up to pray for lunch and I can't bring myself to get up off the futon. I have another tantrum, just being frustrated once again that I have to miss everything good because of this 'being in the DR thing'. They end up making me get up and eat something, but my stomach wasn't in the mood to eat nor was my body. I went and got a blanket and my blankies because I was freezing at that point and just wanted some kind of comfort. I felt myself start crying when I thought about it, so I had to just look at the food on my plate or poor Jeremy and David might start getting overwhelmed with a girl crying uncontrollably. I couldn't look at anyone. Jeremy, who was eating his food next to me grabbed my face and said, "Cassie. I need you to stop crying. I have never seen you like this and I don't know what to do. Please don't keep crying. Please!" Kirsten said that when I was poking my food with the fork that they guys looked at her in confusion and helplessness, not sure what they ought to do. Noemi made me eat my food and after that I just went and laid down and tried to figure out what was happening. That and figure out how I was feeling. I still wasn't sure at that point. I was so glad that Adriana and Jeremy were the only students there or I would've felt worse about laying there in the dinning room crying on the couch. After about an hour and a half, I felt my heart beat slow down and I started thinking clearly (well, mostly clear I guess--back to normal). This was all hours and hours ago. Now, though, I think I still might need a day or two to process. Not just because of this, but also Haiti and money, etc. I think I'm excited for you both. Just shocked to be honest. I'll be praying for wisdom and blessings as you grow together and for protection and you seek God's will for this area of your lives. I love you both so much and I think it's just that you both mean so much to me that I would be caused to react like that. Looking back, I think I'm just more shocked at my reaction than what I was reacting to. It makes me laugh to look back over it. lol. But, it wasn't funny during the time.  

    Okay, I think I've gotten most of it out. Whew!

    If you made it though all of this, you deserve some sort of award. It took me 8 hours to get all of this out. Holy cow. Santo vaca.
    Thank you for hearing my heart!

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About Me

  • My name is Cassie. I love people--getting to know them, encouraging and challenging them to run deeper into the Lord. My favorite color is pink, my favorite animal is either an armadillo or a camel. I love being with friends and going on road trips or just hanging out. If I could spend the day anywhere, it would be at the beach. Or an amusement park. I love dancing and moving around, along with a little singing here and there.